Re: hakka marriage custom Clem Lee (clem2@idt.net) Wed, 25 Mar 1998 11:10:49 -0800 > Dear Hakka and non-Hakka friends: > > One of the Hakka marriage customs I was told was that once a daughter is married she is no longer considered part of her original family. She is supposed to be totally loyal and devoted to her husband's family. In a way, it's like disowning a daughter once she is married. I think I can answer some of these questions, and possibly add to it, since my own mother went through some of the old customs herself. The bride's paternal family is called her "moi4 ga1". The husband's family will call her 'Sim1 Kiu1' when speaking about her. The daughter is not disowned in the strict sense, only that her personage is now part of her husband's family, and so at the end of life, her remains become interred by her husband's family. The act of marriage itself is called 'mai4 moi4 zu1' which is literally 'selling one's daughter'. There is a pecuniary exchanged between the in-laws (qin1 ga1), and it is customary for each side of the family to give the bride gold chains, rings, bracelets and other jewelry for her marriage. In the days when the bride rode in sedan chairs (co1 kiau4) from her home to her husband's home, she was accompanied by musicians, sedan bearers, and other folk bearing her wedding accoutrements. When she arrived at the village, she descended from the sedan chair, and she was not allowed to let her feet touch the ground. People in the husband's family come to greet her and set woven lids on the ground for her to walk to her house. Three days of feasting used to be perscribed for celebration of the marriage. There is a place in Hong Kong's New Territories which is called Sin1 Ngiong2 Tam2 which in English is called "New Bride's Pool". In the distant past, a wedding procession in which the bride was riding in a sedan chair tragically fell into the pool because the narrow mud path gave way. There was only one lone survivor to tell the tall, all except this individual, the bride and her entourage plummeted to their deaths. Since then it has been known by that name. Now, when a member of the bride's Moi5 Ga1 dies, she may be called upon to return to her Moi4 Ga1 's village, and help out in the preparations for her relative's burial. There are certain superstitions to observe also. If there is a birth due in the bride's husband's village, then she has to decline going to her Moi4 Ga1 for fear of bringing back bad spirits or omens. At other times of the year, the bride will be invited to go to weddings, and other festive occasions. When visiting relatives is the norm, such as the fourth day after the Chinese New Year, and exchanges of the 'Nian2 Gao1'. At any other time, she can visit her own family if she has time, with no real restrictions. > I am sure this custom is not fully followed in current Hakka society. > It's kind of cruel! May be there is a reason for this custom. Anyone? So, given the above, there is no intended cruelty, only a result of Chinese customs, where the paternal hereditary line is the dominant social structure. Women who marry into her husband's family, becomes part of the husband's family. As a 'Sim1 Kiu1', she must obey her husband and his family in accordance to filial piety - another Chinese doctrine. The low status afforded by the bride's position changes when she becomes the matriach of the family. So, her status and balance of power changes with age. Theoretically at least. > > What about others, like Cantonese, Shanghainese, etc. ? > > Clem. Those I do not know about, so I'll stop here. Dylan. Hi! this is Roger Chen. Dylan knows that I have been working on my family tree for a few years mow, and about two years ago I revised it to include many Hakka/Chinese customs. I have been documenting these practices as they are related to me by the Hakka elders here in Toronto. I did so at the request of many of my junior relatives .. nephews, nieces, first and second cousins. Some of the practices may differ in various areas, but the general themes should be the same. The attachment is from section 9.0 of my family tree document and talks about marriage customs, death & burials. I hope it contributes to the subject. rogerTitle: 9
9.3 Weddings
Next to the New Year's celebrations, this is the largest and most elaborate family gathering. It represents the joining of two families in both in blood lines and in political/economic ties. In the past the marriages were arranged by the elders, usually by the women folks, and in their absence through a professional marriage broker, a moi ningh or go-between, for a fee. Today, marriage by choice is the norm, with certain restrictions. They frown on marriage between people with the same surname, and do not permit marriage between couples who are related by at least four degrees i.e 5th cousins or closer. But the celebrations are still practiced.
In the past, the celebrations were as follows:
• on the eve, at the boy's house: there is a 'hoi mun jow' dinner to start off the functions. all the boy's family members attend, and at midnight the old folks give him their blessings and give him a special hat to wear. The hat is usually decorated with silver and gold, and he wears it through the celebration i.e 'seung teuy' ..on the head. A special soup & dumplings is also prepared for all, and especially the groom, to eat. The dumplings are made from rice flour, coloured red, and are shaped both round (for happiness) and long (for male children). Sometimes these dumplings are filled with crushed peanuts or a sweet bean paste. The soup is usually a sugar and ginger broth.
• on the morning of the wedding day, there is a big breakfast served before they set off with the big red sedan chair, accompanied with music, for the bride. A red sash is placed across the roof and in front of the entrance to keep evil spirits out of the sedan. Many young men from the groom's family accompany the chair to bring back the furniture and other dowries that the girl's family will send. A less elaborate sedan chair is also taken along to bring back a married female relative of the bride that will come along with her. This 'sung gaa poh' will stay for three days with her to help her ease into the groom's family and married life. The procession is sent off amidst fire crackers, and sometimes a dragon/unicorn dance.
• The bride, wearing a veil, is welcomed with firecrackers at the groom's home and accompanies the groom to the family chue tong to bie tong or pay their respects to the ancestors. After this, the bride and the husband's women folks have some fun in her new home. In the kitchen she is faced with a never ending stream of dishes to wash while the women carve penises from low bak and tell jokes.
• The day after the wedding, the new bride serves tea to her new family and receives fung bow from them.
• On the third day, the bride pays respect to the Kitchen God by preparing a special breakfast to him..bie tong jew. The groom's family also sends a roast pig to the bride's family on this day when the sung gaa poh goes back home.
• On the seventh day, married female relatives of the bride comes to visit her at her new home, and the groom's family set out a big feast ..chit jow ma. This ends the wedding celebrations. There are certain dishes to be served at a wedding banquet:
. lobster..representing the dragon (lung) or male
. chicken..representing the phoenix (fung) or female
. fish..to signify abundance of children, harmony and connubial bliss in the marriage.
. On the other hand, duck is never served..because of the flat duck mouth, it represents pouting or an unhappy marriage.
• After the tenth day the bride is allowed to visit her family.
• A big celebration is held for the first son to be born; no celebrations are held for girl children.
In the current past [10-15 years ago] in lieu of gifts the invited families usually give money in red packages at the reception. These contributions, by whom and how much, are meticulously recorded in a wedding account book to be kept by the groom. They consult this book to know how much to give at a future date for any functions by any of the contributors. For example if you record that Mr. Lim gave $50 at your wedding, then you would also give $50 at any of his functions to which you are invited.
At a modern wedding, these records are no longer kept, but to record who attended the wedding, the guests are asked to sign a red silk cloth at the reception desk as soon as they arrive. This silk cloth is usually framed and hung at the home of the new couple.
9.4 Death & Burials
When death is imminent, the patient is usually removed from the bed and places on the floor. They are not allowed to die in the bed in fear that they 'will take the bed with them' i.e the spirit won't leave the bed. They balm the body after death and it is left to lie in state in the family home for at least a month for a male, and for a woman, until her family comes to see her body and close the casket.
The burial site is chosen by a Fung Shui Low, and he also determines the time of burial. At the burial site paper houses and food is offered for the comfort of the spirit, and all food is taken back for a feast at the family home afterwards. A paper sedan chair that was taken to the grave site is brought back to the ancestral temple where it is burnt.
The family wears mourning clothes for at least 3 weeks, and in some cases 100 days. For the males, the clothes are white, and for the women (wives and daughters) they are grey. They also wear arm-bands according to their rank in the family: husband, wife, or son - black, daughter - green, white & purple for others. No bath is taken during the period of mourning.
The burial site is visited and cleaned twice a year for five to ten years at which time the bones are dug up, cleaned and placed in a urn at the family tomb. They continue to visit the urns during Ching Ming and Chung Yang festivals.